Empty calories, or feelings... I'm not sure

Do you know what this is? Besides 360 empty calories? It’s a Krispy Kreme chocolate frosted crème filled doughnut. It was also my lunch. Why would I do such a thing? Why would I knowingly eat something so bad for me, when I have plenty of nutritious food for me in my kitchen?I write a BLOG on whole foods!!! Why was this effing thing stale?!?!

After paying for this with cash, to not leave an electronic trail, and stuffing it into my face in the car, in the parking lot of the place I purchased it of course immediately feeling guilt, I pondered on what brought me to such a low point at only 11:00 in the morning.

For starters, we have been waiting a month for our internet to work. A MONTH. Sure, some people find wi-fi a luxury, but in this house, it’s a necessity. I have queries to submit and writer’s guidelines to research. We’ve been using our phones wi-fi hotspot function since August to do everything from banking to school help for the kids. It’s slooooooooow to say the least. So when you’ve made 7 different appointments, used 2 different companies and have intermittent internet usage, it’s frustrating to say the least. I missed two deadlines this morning. One was a personal goal; one could have been a paying submission. Both we re equally stressful.

Maybe it’s the lack of lower numbers on the scale, despite all my running and calorie counting and whole foods diet. It’s like a punch in the stomach every time I get on that scale and see the 4 lbs I lost last week back on there… over and over. Then again, I guess if I wasn’t shoving cupcakes and Krispy Kremes in my face, this would be a non issue.

Maybe living in Virginia is taking it’s toll? I miss good customer service – this is nonexistent here. We have had issues with EVERY major utility AND purchase since we moved in. It took 2 tries (and two companies) to get our washer and dryer delivered, 3 visits to get our cable hooked up, 7 tries (fingers crossed) for our internet to work. We’ve been stood up, hung up on and “whatever”’d. And there is nothing we can do about it but complain.

Or… the lack of a good radio station. It’s Gospel, Country, R&B and a station that loves the Eagles and ZZ Top a little too much. Sometimes you just need to crank up the music to a really good song. But really, who still listens to the radio? I should just plug in my phone/Ipod like every one else.


But the crescendo, or maybe the only REAL issue here, is that one of my kids is having a really tough time in school. She’s miserable. New school, new curriculum, new way of doing things. The south is a little less…err, liberal… than the west coast. Teaching styles are different. She’s used to being “the good kid”. Teachers knew her, and they knew me. Here, she’s just another new kid. It’s not abnormal for her to get an F. Not to them. And it certainly doesn’t warrant a call/email/note home, as it would have before. Her self esteem is affected, she’s embarrassed to ask for more help at school and unfortunately, Derek and I don’t know jack about Virginia history. So, this morning, after letting her stay home an hour due to “an upset tummy” I tried to talk to her about why it was she was avoiding class today. Total epic meltdown ensued. It was awful. She was crying and pleading.
“ I hate it here…teachers are mean… home school me”
And I did the typical thing of getting frustrated with her –after I asked her to open up to me- and yelled at her out of frustration.
“This is our life now”. I said. “Washington is gone, it’s in the past, and you need to deal with this change”.
I felt like a total jerk. I tried to make up for it on the ride to school, but she was done with me, and I didn’t blame her. It’s hard to see our kiddos in pain. It’s hard to not be able to fix it right away. But I also have to let her learn things on her own. To fix things on her own. To adapt to change.

In all honesty, I can say I was eating my feelings, dealing with stress by comforting myself with chocolaty pastries. But in reality I had been coveting this stupid doughnut since I saw them in a package of 8 at the commissary. The only reason I hadn’t really given in was because I didn’t want a whole pack, I just wanted the one. And once I saw that I could purchase just one at the local Class Six the decision was made. It was just a matter of time before I made one of these my biotch.I was just waiting for the perfect excuse.

To try to even out my bad decisions today, I talked to the school counselor, made a conference appointment with Ru’s teachers AND parked super far out in the lot when I went to the commissary. That's all the fixing I can do for one day.