love is a battlefield

I think this blog is about to get a little too personal, but it is, after all, supposed to be not only cathartic, but practice for the real deal so here goes.

So I have been feeling a little off lately. OK, no. That's a lie. I've been feeling fed up and sick and tired and just plain DONE. I've even been pondering, for the last week or so, a change in my marital status. I don't think I really thought the "D" word, but I did ponder separation, and the logistics of that kind of decision.

Let's rewind. Let me take you back 14 years ago when I, a young single mom working as a waitress married a ridiculously good looking young Marine. We thought we could survive off of love, BAH and Taco Bell. And we did. We moved to Texas, bought a house, had two more beautiful kids and life was working. For a while. But then it wasn't. We lost our jobs, had to sell our house and nearly lost our minds. But we managed to get through it together. Was it love? Stubbornness? Craziness?

And for that last few years, we've been reintroducing ourselves to each other every time Derek returns home from another deployment. I would be lying again if I said that the every-other-year separation doesn't take it's toll. Because it does. With each deployment I became more self sufficient, and while some people may think that is an oxymoron for a Housewife, it's unforgivingly true.Sometimes, when you're the only one here to get things done, you get used to not depending on another person for help. Not even the person you promised to be a partner in life with. No one is at fault here, it's just the nature of the beast. And the beast doesn't give two shits about how it effects your marriage.

So here we are, back to me contemplating this thing called marriage. See, 14 years later, I'm far too smart, or learned, or worldly to believe that you can count on love to make it work, because I do love my husband and the thought of living my life without him in it is paralyzing. But I guess my unhappiness stems from not knowing what role we actually play in each others lives anymore. We're hardly partners. Are we friends with benefits? Are we in some sort of marital limbo, where we go through the motions, but we don't actually progress or evolve? Would we be better not together than we are together? And I guess my biggest question is; are my doubts normal?

BIG SIGH... 14 years is going to produce peaks and valleys, and we've always weathered the storms together. At the end of the day, I know divorce isn't an option. I don't want it to be, and even if I have contemplated it,I would never uproot my kids, nor would I ever want Derek to be a weekend dad.
And I love him. Godammit I love that man with my whole heart and regardless of how hard it is to be with him sometimes, it's always twice as hard to be without him.

I just laughed out loud, realizing, you can survive on love. I'm doing it right now. And I have my Blog to prove it.

the definition of a Housewife

Ever googled the word "Housewife"? Wikipedia dumbs it down to "... a married female who does not work outside the home." Funny, because I feel as though I work my ass off from 7:30 am to 10:30 pm most days,and my car would agree. Merriam-Webster states I am a "married woman in charge of a household." Is it strange that none of the definitions say anything about being a maid? Or a doormat. But conversely that is exactly how I have felt lately.
I run a home, not a restaurant. What I make for dinner is what you will eat. If you have somehow become repulsed by the food I have spent years perfecting to your tastes, make yourself a sandwich. In case you don't know, I actually spend several hours a week planning a menu, clipping coupons and revolving our dinner choices around your suggestions.

I'm not a maid. I will do the laundry, vacuum, and all the other random chores that need to be done, because I "run a household". You all have chores, DO THEM. When you drop/spill/break something, clean it up. We don't have an "oops" fairy, if you notice your pencil shavings have vanished from the floor where you left them, I CLEANED IT UP. I took time away from the items on my "TO DO" list, to clean up after you.

My time is just as important as your time. I don't actually sit and wait for you to have a problem you need me to fix. If I worked outside the home, would I get as many calls and texts regarding randoms "emergencies". The answer is HELL TO THE NO. If I am in the middle of something, don't interrupt me. If you need something done ASAP, you should have told me about it when you actually found out about it. I do not mind helping you, but don't expect me to drop what I am doing to fix your problem unless you're bleeding or vomiting. This includes when i am away from the house or in the bathroom.

Just like a park, the house should be left in better condition than you found it. I spend a good portion of my day undoing the living that goes on in our domicile. I'm not asking you to clean the toilet with your toothbrush,but I don't want to walk through the house at ten o'clock and find messes all over the area I spent cleaning.

Learn to communicate. I am not a translator nor should I need to mediate every conversation. If your question starts by asking me something about someone else in this household i want you to do this : Stop. Think about what you're going to say. Ask the appropriate person. In the really real world, you bring up your issues to people directly.

Lastly, I have feelings too. I am not here to be your punching bag. I work VERY hard to ensure you have what you need.I shop for you, I clean for you, I pick up random odds and ends, I drop off forgotten lunches. I bring you goodies when you need them, I send you encouraging words when I know you have stress. I put you in your place when you need some grounding and I teach you that the world isn't fair, you will get hurt or angry or disappointed, but you will always have a family that loves you. While I do it because I love you, it doesn't mean that you should take it for granted. Everyone needs to feel appreciated.
Even Housewives.

better intentions

So my summer of blogging was pretty un-bloggy. For several reasons, really, but the most important being this; my eldest daughter is a senior in high school and it dawned on me about mid July that this was our last summer together as a family. Sadness. In June of next year we will be off to Virginia for six months of military school, and she will stay here in Washington to finish her AA. After that none of us know what we'll be doing or where we'll be headed. So, mostly for that reason, I put the blogging on hold and traded that time for, well, time. I hope I spent it well. I think I did. There are already some conversations I would like to take back, some I still need to have, but for the most part, I think this summer we really focused on doing things as a family, and just spending time doing the small stuff together. Summer went a little too quick for me, but we have a whole school year left, and we plan to make the best of it. These are the last birthdays, dances, Holidays and random moments we will spend together as a full family. It's bittersweet, really. But I think this will be a test in strength for all of us. We have raised a little girl into a young women, and soon we will send her off into the world to be a functioning (hopefully) adult. It's scary and exciting and very blog-worthy!!
So here's to the end of summer! Maybe we didn't mark all our to-do's off our list, but sometimes re-prioritizing helps us accomplish more.