The worst day of my life

Have any of you seen Office Space? Hilarious movie, but this scene kinda sums up my mood lately. Only it should start with, " Ever since I found out my daughter isn't graduating with her class."

So if you've been wondering where I've been, or why I'm stressed, that's the reason. Wondering why I'm not at derby practice, the gym, or returning your texts? Because I have been in a total funk. I have been in "failure as a mother" land, "how did this happen -ville", " WTF city". I have been having the worst day of my life. It's very sad in these places.

Disappointed barely begins to describe the range of emotions I've been experiencing. People say there are 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
I'm somewhere around anger and depression, and I really don't think I'll ever get to acceptance, the reason being, is that she LIED about it. She lied to us for over a year, probably longer than that. She lied all the way up to the 11th hour, honestly thinking someone would feel bad enough for her to let her walk with her class, even though she hadn't done the work. "The work" being finishing two online classes of English she failed as a Freshman and Sophomore. Yes, I realize she had two years to get these done. I KNOW she knew this, because I harped on her about it weekly. She actually tried to get these done in three days. AFTER telling us it was done. Lying about why the tests hadn't come in. Blaming everyone but herself. Never actually taking responsibility for it. She failed.

I had the proud duty of calling my parents, who had already booked trips out here, to tell them that their first grandchild wouldn't be walking with her class, and there would be no graduation celebration. A celebration we had all been looking forward to. This was, after all, 17 years in the making. Patience was going to break the cycle of non-graduates on my side of the family. I guess I set my standards too high. Sadly, plane tickets are non- refundable now-a-days. So everyone decided to come out anyways, as planned, for one last trip to the Seattle area, since we are moving very soon. You know, my step-dad was the ONLY person to take the situation and the mood into consideration. He actually asked me how I felt about having family come out. He gave ME the option to bow out.That meant quite a bit to me, knowing, that this was a difficult time for ME, as well as our family.He offered to come at a later time, or even hold off the trip until we were in Virginia.
But just like all stressful things, it's always better to deal with them in the company of your parents. So the weekend that was to be graduation packed fun days were spent being grieved in the company of family.

Luckily, no one really brought it up. I think everyone could tell I was in no mood to discuss it. Or they took cues from the tense conversations I was having with Patience. I really think EVERYONE was holding out hope she would pull it out of her ass at the last minute. Derek and I had already decided, that even if she passed the classes (which she had NO TIME to get the test results back on anyway) we weren't going to let her walk. Neither of us felt she deserved it. WE deserved it, because WE sacrificed for this moment. But SHE did not.

This entire last year here was for her. Derek made sacrifices in his career to be HOME for her graduation. We were supposed to be on to our next duty station, but Derek fought for stabilization orders for her to finish high school here. With her friends. Like normal kids get to do. I'm quite positive she took none of this into consideration as she was doing everything under the sun EXCEPT the one thing that she needed to do to graduate.

I guess I'm so disappointed for two reasons. Obviously, I wanted to be a part of the pomp and circumstance that a graduation ceremony brings.I wanted to yell and scream as her name was called out and she walked the stage. I wanted to snap pictures of her in her cap and gown and I wanted HER to have those memories, hugging freinds and sharing in the pride of a right of passage.
But even more upsetting was the lying. I'm not proud of her. And that is a terrible feeling to experience. I have been disappointed by her actions before, don't get me wrong. But in the 17 years I've been her mother, I don't think I've ever been this kind of NOT PROUD, totally ashamed of her actions. It hurts. It is a tangible ache inside of me, knowing that the person I raised could be so selfish, so uncaring, and so self involved to take no ones feelings into consideration, to be so disrespectful to every person that made her who she is, and helped her get to where she is today, that her thanks to all of us - TO ME - was to lie about a situation over and over again, and then to rob us - ME- of this moment. A moment we will never get back.
But, it is what it is. The day has come and gone. The moment we all looked to has passed. Now, nothing but a circled date on the calendar,a brightly noted box in my day-planner, all the "TO -DO's" left undone.

My beautiful, intelligent daughter, who had every opportunity to be special, chose to be mediocre.

My heart is broken.

ch-ch-ch-changes

So, for those if you wondering "where is that super cool, totally hysterical chick that writes this amazing, Pulitzer prize worthy blog?". I'm here!!! (waves hands).
I had a few, rather irritating, issues arise with the blogger site, and it kept me from A) being able to blog and B) being able to enter my blog site. So during the lockout, I did some investigating AND I started a 30 day Paleo challenge. I decided to marry these two things and I started a wordpress blog . I'm not giving up on the Manic Military wife by any means,so stay tuned for random babbling and shenaniganizing. But for now, you can get you fix of me being a blogger by clicking on the above link:)

see ya soon fellow wackadoos <3